When I was pregnant I became obsessed with reading birth stories. I could not get enough. I would just sit there and imagine what it would feel like when I was finally holding my baby girl in my arms. I couldn't wait to look into my husbands tear filled eyes and just soak up that moment I couldn't wait to nuzzle her during skin to skin time. I couldn't wait to kiss her little cheeks. And I was so excited to have all of our friends come meet her and talk about how cute she is. I figured the hospital would be full of instagram worthy moments. I packed about 4 different swaddle/bow combinations that I planned to use for her first few photo shoots.
In reality I felt nothing when I first held her, I couldn't even look at her or my husband because I was so overwhelmed, I didn't want anyone to come visit because I was a mess (physically AND emotionally), and taking cute pictures was the last thing on my mind. I kept thinking back to all the birth stories I had read and kept wondering what was wrong with me Why wasn't I having experiences like those women did? Where was the wave of unconditional love I was supposed to feel? Had I made a mistake in having a baby? Would I ever love her? If I told my husband how I was feeling would he think less of me?
I want to pause real quick to mention my baby is almost four months old now. She is my entire world and words cannot even begin to describe the amount of love I have for her. I have wanted to write this post for awhile now but every time I do, I am overcome with so much emotion that I have to close my computer and walk away. Whenever I think back on the day she was born, I am filled with regret and guilt about the way I felt. And I want to change that. Because rather than feeling ashamed, I want to look back on the day my daughter was born as one of the best days of my life, despite it being nothing like I expected.
Soon after she was born I remember sobbing in the bathroom as I tried to absorb everything that had just happened. I remember the first time my husband and I were left alone with our baby I wanted to yell after the nurse to please not leave us because I had no idea what I was supposed to do with her. I remember all of our friends asking when they could come see her and I all I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and never come out. I remember trying to hide my tears from my husband and parents because I wanted them to think I was strong. I remember not being able to focus on anything and feeling so lost and afraid. And I remember feeling so guilty for having all of these thoughts. My daughter deserved better.
Now those feelings didn't linger long and soon I began to feel that unconditional love that everyone always talks about. Sure I cried the entire way home from the hospital (and probably every day the first few weeks after that... hormones are fun) but it was also accompanied with developing a bond like none other with my beautiful little baby girl. I was seeing myself become the mother I always thought I would be, while trying to bury the guilt that came every time I thought back on the day she was born.
I am done feeling guilty. Yes my birth story is nothing like I thought it would be but it's MINE. I am choosing to accept the way I felt and let go of any guilt that comes with it. It doesn't matter what I thought would happen when I first met my daughter because the reality is I didn't love my baby right away and that's ok. It doesn't make me any less of a mother. Some mothers feel that unconditional love right off the bat and some mothers need time for it to develop. Some mothers dive right into motherhood with a full face of makeup and a smile, and some have to deal with feelings of inadequacy much longer than I did. There is no right or wrong way to love your baby. And that's ok.
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